FINALS are this week too! So watch out i will be all BlAh-NeSs!! I promise the will be the death of me.. and my finals determine my next year.. so if you would i need stregnth and knowledge and the ability to retain as much knowledge as possible.. thank you for your prayers!!

Oh how thankful I am of the very wise Kayla Bradshaw! You seriously have had an impact on my life tremendously, you will never know how much you & your sister have ministered to me and helped me with many things just by seeing the true worship of your heart. thank you for being faithful and thank you for being a light that I sometimes need to see. =]

Oh what the Lord has been doing in my life!

Its kind of amazing the see the progress in my prayer and seeking God. Im supposed to speak  Sunday to the junior high and right now im like, “Lord- I have no clue what to speak and I cant do this on my own, im so lost without you so Holy Spirit guide my words and let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you!” I make it so much more dramatic than it really is but its simply because I get so nervous when speaking.. But God has given me the strength and courage and boldness and today is a new day and so I will walk in the steps of the Holy Spirit and know that I will not be out of his will!

I will continue to seek His face- for I know the end! I hold the keys. Duh! =]

tbc- one day soon hopefully……

I understand that life isnt perfect. But for once in my life I would like to leave the past.. in the past and focus on the future. God holds my every moment and I know right now im working on it and he is working on me.

I choose to leave the past just that.. [[in the past]]

Recently i think i lost the most wonderful person ever. Kayla Michelle Martin has been my very best friend since I was in the 7th grade. (3years) – ya ya that may not seem like forever but trust me, its long enough.

I get a phone call::

K: Hey Tamra Im ok but im not going to west anymore. I cant ecplain what is going on right now, but im ok

T: What? Im lost what is going on.

K: I moved in with my grandparents..

Just that small part made the walls of life come in crashing down all around me. The things I was holding up fell on me, and im my peace and joy it was filled with a depressing sadness. Through everything I have been through in the last 3 years, I run to her with it. She is my everything and my sister and best friend. I dont understand why things happen the way they do. And so many times I want to believe that everything will be ok; but somehow i just dont see anything going back to the way it used to be. Lately I have felt like a human waterfall with tears shedding at every memory. God bottles it. somehow i think everything will work out!

On that very day of that phone call, even the second, everything i thought was stable and alright was unstable and so broken; there is no description.. Pain cuts deeper than anything I can think of. Sometimes i think id rather have a paper cut ( which by the way, hurt like crazy) rather than something the cuts the heart. Emotionally lately ive been more unstable than ever before. Everyone says time heals pain. Im actually a firm believer that God heals pain in time. And right now after I have endured and walked through the storms of life and fire- i know they aren’t done- but in this season, ive endured and i believe God is starting the healing process. Yes the memory is still there and the pain still exceeds what i have been through letely but i do believe everything will be ok.

Everyone says have faith! DO YOU SERIOUSLY NOT KNOW THAT I DOO HAVE FAITH BIGGER THAN A MUSTARD SEED. every other time I find myself telling them have faith, when really they appear to have less than me. Everyone says just be strong. ARE YOU KIDDING ME, IM THE ONE ALWAYS HOLDING EVERYTHING UP [[with Gods help]] and now all the sudden because your not faced with this tragic event.. you tell me to be STRONG?!

Guess what.. even though i think everything wont be ok.. it will. And yes I will remain strong always. For I put my trust in the Lord and He renews my strength

Lord I repent for trying things my way and on my own when all i should do is obey and follow your will. I see the vision, I believe it, I trust in it… and in Jesus’ name ITS FINISHED.

POINT:: No things will not be the way they ever were and in time God will fully heal me of the pain I suffer. For now I keep a hold of my father cause I cant do it alone. The peace of God will follow me. I will give it a little time and I will not worry about tomorrow. I free my mind. Cause in my lonliness and sadness when im feeling all alone, its my father who wraps his arm around me and whispers:: Tamra im right here. I love you. Keep holding on. For this is just a season.

God, how great you are to me! Exceeding every expectation I ever had. Who can compare to THAT?!

Worship was over and we got into a circle to pray for the schools the teachers our country etc. Boy was I nervous.. Why? I have not a clue. We began to take turns praying I felt the holy spirit telling me to open my mouth. I couldnt it was hard. But I knew that if I hadnt listened to the words of the holy spirit I would have regretted it for so long. It was silent as I opened my mouth. The thoughts in my head before I began only seemed to be, oh my word im going to start and then get lost, what will I say, my prayer isnt good enough. I finally decided that the enemy is a lie and he has no control over me. I opened my mouth and the words flew from my mouth as it was some kind of speech i had practiced before hand. When I started the silence soon grew into yes God and thank you God. I couldnt help but tremble every part of me feeling like I was going to melt into a big pile of mush.. My heart felt like it was pounding in my ears but like it was ripped out at the same time.. The pure and true worship really doesnt come from the amazing voices or the guitar that is on key. The pure and true worship doesnt even come from the best prayer you would pray, it comes from the heart, offering everything you have to your father and expecting nothing in return. As the meeting concluded I felt like I was on top of the world! Father thank you for hearing us and for the freedom you gave us this morning. We worship you in spirit and in truth!! With compassion and purity!

So this past weekend was amazing in itself.. of course the norm, hanging out with Dez and feeling in an anry mood- but tired as well as I had my “fake” baby.. Lunch ended in an awkward manner as silence fell over the area I was eating in. Thank God for the people of this world who like to leave when things get a little weird. As I left pastors house with Abby I was in an upbeat mood and ready for just about anything. Arriving at practice late as normal i started to settle down as I knew it was serious time. After the amazing rehersal I found myself laughing hysterically to the embarracement of others and having no pitty on the stories that almost ruined their lives…. [time for service]  – wow i just realized we didnt practice the songs for tonight- oh well i think I got this. As we get on the platform I stand there and think wow there is no way I can be calm and focus in on what im trying to do. As I try to let the holy spirit flow I cant help but chuckle for no apparent reason, as awkward as that sounds.

Service ends, laughing continues.. fine with me, i always enjoy a great laugh. Later on I find myself at apple bees with the greatest people in my life.. Abby, Dez, and Rich.. We began talking about our boring yet ongoing and hilarious lives. As stories pour from out mouths we are in stiches laughing so hard we are crying and too loud for our own good.. (mind you, were in public) Some of our amazing stories include laughing to the embarracement of others, yet again. I confess that I cant help myself but to laugh when people fall out of chair and slip on a wet spot or do something stupid.

(Monday Morning)::

Monday morning i thought just another day nothing special.. stupid people, teachers with bad breath, hw out the wazoo.. surprise surprise! Nothing could be out of the ordinary so you would think.. Wrong! Way, way wrong. As I walk to my class (Algebra 2H with Mrs. Cohn) I dread the lectures, notes, and hw that we continuously get. Singing along to my music (I am: Eddie James) I feel a peace flow over me as I walk in the steps God has so ordered. Not for long… Im about ready to take a step up the stair when all the sudden I yelp. what was that you ask? ME.. SLIPPING ON WATER!! I begin laughing hysterically, not like anyone understands why I cant stop laughing!! I move on and in Algebra i sit, still chuckling because I cant believe the things I was just making fun of people about the day before had just happened to me. Wow never again..

During Algebra we have a break and go to lunch. So we are sitting there telling the stories of our amazing weekends and laughing so hard milk tends to fly and people are tearing up!! Oh my good times, good times.. So I sit there telling them my amazing weekend and how I loved hanging out with Kayla, Amber, Abby, Dez, and Rich when all of the sudden my chair comes right out behind me and falls to the floor.. By some miracle I stay sitting up as if my chair never fell in the first place. It had to be God holding me up, keeping me from miserable embarracement! I cant find any other reason why my chair would fall and i am still at the same level with my hands in the air laughing at my stupidness- once again!

School is finally over and I go home. As I sit there thinking about doing my dreaded homework I refeclt on my day. And I think I have come to the conclusion that I cant make fun of people anymore because everything I was just making fun of people for happened to me. Welcome to my life..

LESSON LEARNED!!